


Not As We

by costia_gray



Series: One Beating Heart [3]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Earth, Angst, Canon Compliant, Earth-94, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Kara Danvers Needs a Hug, Memory Alteration, Romantic Alex Danvers/Kara Danvers, Season 4 Episode 10: Suspicious Minds, Season 4 Episode 11: Blood Memory, Season/Series 04, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-22
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2020-09-23 16:43:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20343343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/costia_gray/pseuds/costia_gray
Summary: When Kara can’t stand to witness Alex’s mindwipe, she pays a visit to Alex-94 to try to avoid the consequences.(Follow-up to “Bound To You”. Must read this for context; not a standalone.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all! A continuation of "Bound To You" for my lovely readers. It's not officially a sequel or a part two because there may eventually be some things dropped somewhere in the middle, but inspiration struck! So, hope everyone enjoys!
> 
> And a big thank you, again, to my friend, baileyrhapsody, for being so supportive and pre-reading and helping me think things out. :)

_ **Sunday, January 20th, 2019** _

Despite the gnawing feeling of doubt and despair in the pit of her stomach, Kara tried her best to be supportive. When the agents from the D.E.O. who were in the know came in, prepared to give up every memory they had that connected Kara with Supergirl, she thanked them for doing this. Seeing that they were willing to give up their memories — something so precious, something that wasn’t meant to be altered or erased — meant so much to her. It was a sacrifice she would never be able to repay.

The same didn’t hold true for Alex.

Logically, she knew it _ should_. Alex was making the same sacrifice as her agents were, all for the sake of keeping Kara safe. If anything, Alex was giving up _ more_. Removing all memories that linked Kara and Supergirl in Alex’s mind wasn’t going to be easy. They’d spent twelve _ years _ of their life together, with Alex fully aware that Kara was an alien — Kryptonian, Superman’s cousin — long before she’d come out as Supergirl and changed her life unalterably to save _ Alex _ when her plane to Geneva was going down.

For fifteen years, Alex had been Kara’s best friend, her sister, her confidant, her protector, her lifeline, her _ everything_. And lately, they had been so much more than that. Kara’s unrequited teenage crush had come crashing back after she’d visited Earth-94 and seen the remnants of a life her alternate self had shared with her Alex. Her other self’s life had ended in tragedy, but just knowing that on this Earth she had been Alex’s _ wife _ had spurred her to finally take that chance herself. She’d confessed her feelings for her own Alex nearly the moment she’d made it home, and Alex had actually admitted she loved Kara back.

Now, none of that mattered. The one person who had always known her secret and who she could speak with completely openly was being taken away from her. She didn’t know for a fact that Alex would lose her memories of their romantic relationship, but judging by the pitying expressions J’onn and Brainy wore, she knew it was a strong possibility. And in the back of her mind, Kara _ felt it_. She clearly wasn’t meant to be in love, to be in a happy relationship. Every attempt she’d made ended in heartbreak; why should this be any different? Of course she would lose the one truly good thing in her life.

Kara Zor-El, Supergirl, Kara Danvers — they were all too inextricably linked in Alex’s mind to be so delicately pulled apart. All Alex would remember was Kara being her annoying little foster sister and Supergirl being this nameless alien who made her grand entrance into Alex’s life and her workplace three years ago.

When J’onn asked if she was ready and Alex leaned forward to squeeze her hand and tell her “Everything’s going to be okay,” with that tender look in her eyes, she knew she couldn’t do it. She tried and she wanted to, but she couldn’t watch the woman she loved erasing her and be strong through it. She knew it wasn’t fair of her when Alex had been so strong for her in the past, over and over again, but she could barely keep herself from crying. She had to _ go_.

The second she’d flown into her loft through a window, she sped to the bedroom to dig out her extrapolator from the hidden panel in her bed’s headboard. She knew she shouldn’t do this. She knew she should stand by her girlfriend’s side and tell her she loved her and she was here for her, but Alex wouldn’t _ know her _ in the same way anymore. She needed an Alex who knew her, who loved and wanted and needed _ all _ of her.

One deep breath and the press of a button later, a breach appeared in front of her. She stepped through without hesitation, finding herself right in the middle of Alex-94’s living room.

“Hey!” Kara turned in the direction Alex’s voice had come from, tucking her extrapolator into the pocket of her blazer. Alex was smiling at her from the couch, her laptop across her legs and her feet propped up on the coffee table. Kara tried to smile for her, tried to get herself together, but she broke down crying instead.

“Shit, Kara.” Alex sounded a little alarmed, and next thing Kara knew, the older woman’s arms were wrapped tight around her shoulders, her lips pressing soft kisses across the crown of her head. She sank into the warmth and strength of Alex’s arms, her own arms wrapped tight around her waist.

“Babe, what is it?” Alex asked softly, stroking a hand through her hair. Kara tried to stammer an answer, but when it became clear that wasn’t happening, Alex shushed her again. “Alright, it’s okay. Get it all out and we’ll talk when you’re ready.”

Several minutes passed before she managed to get ahold of herself. Alex held her the entire time, quiet but strong, stroking through her hair and down her back. Even when Kara’s body _ shook _ as she sobbed, she held tight and whispered sweet reassurances into her ear. Kara loved her for her strength, her calm, her solidity.

She took a shaky breath, lifting her head from Alex’s shoulder and removing her glasses to tuck into her pocket. She wiped at her wet face with the heel of her palm, trying to make herself presentable again. Alex nudged her hand away and gently thumbed the wet streaks away before leaning in to place a kiss on her nose. She had been so respectful since Kara had first come back and revealed her relationship with her own Alex had changed. Both of her Alexes had been more understanding than she could have hoped about such a strange situation.

Kara smiled at her, cupping her face in her hands. “Hi,” she murmured, resting her forehead against Alex’s. “Rao, I’ve missed you.”

A small smile flickered across her sister’s lips, her dark eyes soft in that way that was just for Kara. “I missed you so much, Kara.”

Guilt constricted Kara’s chest. Her visits to Earth-94 were infrequent at best. Alex had called it when Kara had first returned home; she just didn’t have the time. The shift in her relationship with her own Alex took up what little free time she had outside of CatCo and Supergirl duties, dealing with this new anti-alien movement’s take off. She worried about her little alternate family daily, but it had probably been two months since she’d last been able to check in. Seeing an Alex who didn’t know her in any context during the last Earth-1 crisis had shaken her a bit and put her off visiting while she indulged in her own Alex over the holidays.

Kara took a step back, holding Alex’s shoulders and taking her in. Her hair was a little redder and tied back into a ponytail. She was wearing one of those black muscle tees she always looked _ so good _ in and a pair of blue flannel boxers, her long legs exposed and her feet bare. Kara’s eyebrows furrowed at the sight.

“Shouldn’t you be at work? It’s the middle of the day.”

“Shouldn’t _ you_?” Alex retorted playfully, yanking Kara closer by her lapels and guiding her over to the couch. Kara chuckled weakly, kicking off her shoes as she settled onto the couch and opened her arms for some snuggle time. She dropped kisses across Alex’s forehead, earning her a wrinkled nose.

“So, what’s going on?” Alex asked, tilting her head to give Kara that loving, concerned look. The same look her Alex had been giving her less than an hour ago.

Kara sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose between her thumb and index finger. “Last time I was here, I told you anti-alien sentiment was getting bad on my Earth, right?” Alex nodded and Kara pressed her lips together, sliding her fingers into Alex’s long brown hair. “Well, it’s gotten to the D.E.O. now. The president wanted me to reveal my identity. I refused, obviously, so I can’t work with them anymore. But Colonel Haley, the military officer they put in there to supervise my Alex, she’s taken it upon herself to question everyone there to figure it out. She _ did _ figure it out. Someone who knew cracked during interrogations.”

Alex sat up straight, her eyes wide. “Kara…”

Kara shook her head, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “Alex knocked her out after she threatened me and J’onn erased her memories. But he couldn’t erase her intentions. She brought in a Truth Seeker.”

“Oh my God.” Alex snuggled even closer and Kara took a breath, giving her a small smile. She looked so worried, and it made Kara’s heart swell with love.

“My Alex… She's having her memories wiped. She’s having every connection between Kara and Supergirl just…_erased_.”

Alex was silent. She looked completely stunned and lost for words, and it took everything in Kara not to start crying again. If Alex-94 was reacting this way, then she couldn’t imagine doing what Kara’s Alex had done, and that kind of terrified her. Kara’s Alex had always had a self-destructive side this Alex either didn’t have or had kicked a long time ago. They were the same person in so many ways but so _ different_, too.

“I’m sor—” Kara pressed a finger gently to Alex’s lips, cutting her off before she could finish apologizing.

“If I can’t apologize for your Kara, you can’t apologize for my Alex. Not your world, remember?” Kara gave her a pointed look, her fingers sliding feather-light down her sister’s cheeks. “She thinks she’s doing what’s best. She’s trying to protect me like she always has, I get that. This, though…”

Alex pursed her lips and nodded. “I would have done anything to protect my Kara, too. But giving up my memories… I don’t know if I could have done it. It’s too much to lose, now especially. But even if she was still with me…” She shook her head, leaning back against Kara’s shoulder. “Trying to separate Supergirl and Kara puts too many of our memories at risk. They’re too tangled together. I couldn’t do it.”

“Yeah.” Kara wound her arm around Alex’s shoulders and reached down to take her hand. “I wish she felt the same way.” She pressed her nose against her sister’s temple and slowly inhaled her scent.

Alex was silent for a while, playing with Kara’s fingers and leaning into her comfortably, a warm solid, weight against her side. Kara closed her eyes, listening to the steady thump of her sister’s heartbeat filling her ears. If there was one thing that would always keep her grounded, it was the familiar rhythm of Alex’s heart. No matter what Earth she traveled to, what Alex she found, that was one thing that never changed.

“I’m sure this isn’t easy for her.” Alex’s voice was quiet, flat in a way that told Kara she was purposely trying to steer clear of any emotion. “She loves you more than anything, Kara. You have to know she’s trying to do what she feels is right.”

Kara frowned. She hadn’t expected Alex to take up for… well, Alex — especially in these circumstances. She’d just admitted she wouldn’t have been able to do the same, so why was it okay for Kara’s Alex? Why was it okay for Kara to hurt this way?

Alex apparently took Kara’s silence for the sign of disgruntlement it was and gave her arm a squeeze. “I don’t support it, and I would have left the D.E.O. without a second thought in her shoes. But I don’t believe she’s doing this to hurt you or upset you, and I know you don’t believe that either.”

Kara’s jaw clenched. Alex was right. She knew what her Alex had done was what she’d felt was the right thing to do for everyone involved. She wanted to take care of Kara and take care of her subordinates at the D.E.O. as best as she could during this time of upheaval. That meant making sacrifices and being brave; Kara understood that better than most. That didn’t mean it was fun or easy or felt good at all.

“We didn’t even talk about it.” Alex turned her head, eyes meeting Kara’s, waiting patiently for her to continue. Kara licked her lips, blinking back tears, her voice quivering when she spoke again. “She just did what she always does and _ decided_. She decided it was okay to give up over a decade of memories of our life together without even discussing it with me!”

Alex’s expression turned somber. She threaded her other hand with Kara’s, bringing both to her chest. She seemed to realize Kara needed to get all of it out of her system and didn’t open her mouth to interject, trying her best to provide a little comfort instead. 

“How is that okay?” Kara asked, her tone a bit harsh. She didn’t mean it to be, but she was hurt and angry and just trying to deal. “I don’t know if she can even get those memories back, Alex! She made a permanent, life-changing decision to solve a temporary problem. It’s… Rao, it’s _ ridiculous_!” She took a shaky breath, squeezing her eyes shut against the onslaught of tears.

“Babe…” Alex tugged on their joined hands. “Hey, look at me.” With a long sigh, Kara did as she was asked, leaning her forehead against Alex’s at her urging. She gazed at her seriously, her shoulders relaxing when Alex’s hands began soothing the tense muscles.

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled. “I’m being silly.”

“You’re not,” Alex assured her. “Your feelings aren’t silly, Kara. C’mere.” She wrapped Kara up in her arms again, hushing her and kissing her hair. Kara settled against her, hiding her face in the crook of her sister’s neck and clinging to her, dissolving into a sobbing mess again.

Her mind was a bit muddled when she next came to. Her face felt raw and tired in that way it always did after a long bout of crying. It took her a moment to realize just where she was, sprawled across Alex’s couch with a small pillow wedged under her head and a knitted blanket tossed across about half of her body. She rubbed her puffy eyes and pushed up onto one elbow to look around.

“Lay back down, babe.” The voice came from behind her, soft and full of worry. Kara pushed herself up into a sitting position, reaching over the back of the couch to snag Alex by the arm.

“I’m sorry I fell asleep,” she murmured. “I don’t even remember it.” She looked up at her sister, putting on her most adorable pout. That was another thing that never changed — the power of the pout was irrefutable.

Alex chuckled and bent down to press a kiss to her hair. “It’s okay. You had an emotional day. So…” She tugged her arm out of Kara’s reluctant grip and went into the kitchen, returning with a big box of potstickers. “I got your favorites.”

Kara smiled widely, her heart melting at how well Alex knew her and took care of her. She really should make an effort to visit more often; she knew Alex was lonely and missed her Kara, and she couldn’t help but want to fill that void for her. And after what her own Alex had just pulled, she might actually have that spare time now. 

Without a word of warning, Kara reached out and pulled both her sister and the box of potstickers over the couch. An involuntary but still pretty indignant yelp fell from Alex’s mouth, and Kara couldn’t help bursting out laughing, her affection for her sister only growing when she glared at her playfully.

“I could kiss you right now,” Kara declared, unthinking as she settled Alex onto her lap. It only took her a second and Alex obviously tensing uncertainly for her to regret her words. “I mean, I won’t,” she clarified. “It means a lot to me that you’re being so good to me. I did just kinda pop in on you out of nowhere.”

Alex shrugged and popped open the box of potstickers, offering it to her. Any ordinary human being would have to give the dumplings a bit of time to cool and would likely have to use chopsticks or a fork. Kara had no such qualms; she couldn’t feel the heat or burn so taking one steaming hot treat out of the box and popping into her mouth whole was simple and often the norm.

Alex made a disgusted face, and Kara smirked at her, mouth still full. “You’re so gross.”

Kara swallowed and pulled at the hem of Alex’s shirt. “You love it. You wouldn’t have so many _ hilarious _ ‘you won’t believe what Kara ate this one time’ stories without me.”

Alex’s eyes turned sad, but she smiled a bit and nodded. “Yeah, true,” she admitted. “I miss it, actually. The familiarity of it, I guess.”

Kara nodded sympathetically, brushing her thumb across the soft skin just beneath Alex’s shirt. She didn’t apologize, knowing Alex didn’t need that. Sometimes she just needed to talk about it a bit. But as usual, it didn’t take her long to change the subject.

“I think when you’re done eating, you need to go home.”

Kara paused, another potsticker halfway to her mouth, stunned. The words weren’t said unkindly at all, and she could even hear a hint of regret, like Alex didn’t want her to go. She frowned up at her, eyebrows pulled together in unspoken question.

Alex sighed, poking at the crinkle between Kara’s brows with a fond grin. “I know you’re angry at your Alex, but she still needs you, Kara. You’re still her sister, and she’s still going to worry about you if you fall off the face of the planet for hours at a time. And without knowing you’re an alien…” She raised an eyebrow, a meaningful look on her face.

Kara leaned her head against Alex’s shoulder, speaking the clear implication aloud. “She might freak out.”

Alex nodded, lifting a hand to stroke through her hair comfortingly. “I know right now you don’t want to have to deal with the choice she made, but you have to try, Kara.”

Kara popped the potsticker she’d been holding into her mouth, chewing slowly this time while she let Alex’s words sink in. Why was she so wise and mature on this Earth? Kara wanted to be petulant and argue that she was wrong, but she was absolutely right. The break was nice, good for her if a little selfish, but it couldn’t last. She had come here to escape and forget, but there was no way it could last forever.

“Maybe she’ll remember eventually,” Alex encouraged her. “Maybe J’onn managed to make it so she hasn’t forgotten.” Kara lifted her head, her expression colored with disbelief. “Never say never, right?”

Kara chuckled, pressing a kiss to her cheek and gazing at her adoringly. “Since when are you such an optimist?”

Alex didn’t answer, just kissing the top of her head again before wriggling off her lap and reaching for the remote. She put on an episode of _ Parks and Recreation_, and Kara settled against her side, taking her time polishing off her potstickers with Alex’s arm tight around her shoulders. She tried to engage with the show, but her mind was elsewhere most of the way through.

After two episodes, she reached into her pocket, first extracting her glasses and putting them on before closing her fingers around the extrapolator. She pulled it out, rubbing the cool metal between her fingers, and looked at Alex. She didn’t want to go, but it was time. Alex was right.

“I’ll try to come back soon.” She took Alex’s hand in hers and lifted it to her lips, kissing the space between her index and middle knuckles. “Kiss Marley for me, okay? Please.” She hadn’t thought once of Alex’s daughter until that moment, and she felt a pang of guilt in her chest. Was she that self-centered?

“I will,” Alex told her with a smile. “She’s hanging out with Sam and Ruby today. They’ll probably have her home in an hour or so.”

“I can wait?” There may have been a touch too much eagerness in the offer, desperation to escape her unfortunate fate back home.

“Kara,” Alex chastised, squeezing her hand.

“I know, I know. I have to go be an adult now.” Kara lowered her head, the statement undercut by the miserable pout on her lips.

Alex grabbed her chin, tilting her head up until their eyes met. “Everything is going to be okay.”

Tears filled Kara’s eyes instantly. She felt as if she’d been punched, hearing the same assurance her Alex had tried to give her out of Alex-94’s mouth. It was the same tone, too; low and sympathetic but firm, like she was sure when there was just no way to be sure of anything. Kara almost laughed at the irony.

“Okay,” she whispered, her voice tight. Her fingers worked over the extrapolator of their own accord, opening a breach just in front of them. She felt Alex drop one last kiss on her jaw, and she turned to look at her, aching with the urge to steal a quick kiss. But she fought it down, forcing a smile for her sister as she got to her feet.

“See you later,” Alex murmured, her arms folded across her chest.

“Yeah.” Kara nodded. “See you later, Alex.” She waved at her, small and awkward, before stepping into the portal home.

As soon as she set foot on her bedroom floor, her phone began chiming with an influx of calls and messages. She fumbled it out of her blazer pocket, scrolling past the words of encouragement from J’onn, James, even Brainy and pulling up her messages with Alex. Sure enough, there were plenty waiting for her, varying in degrees of concern. But it was the last one, from just three minutes prior, that caught her attention.

> **[5:33 PM] Alex Danvers:** Okay, you’re not answering and it’s scaring me. I’ll be at your place in five.

Kara scurried into action, knowing she’d need to come up with a convincing reason for why she’d fallen off the face of the Earth for nearly five hours. With a rush of super speed, she changed into some of her comfiest pajamas and made a nest for herself on the couch. After tossing her phone upside down on the coffee table with the ringer off, she turned Netflix on to play the last season of _ Friends_. She rubbed at her face and tied her hair into a messy bun, doing her best to look haggard and sick.

It wasn’t until she heard Alex’s key in the door that she jammed on her glasses. Even feeling bad, Kara Danvers was blind as a bat. Alex couldn’t look into Kara’s face and see Supergirl or her whole memory wipe plan could fail. And as much as Kara hated the choice Alex had made and wanted her Alex completely back, she would never disrespect her wishes like that.

She nestled down into the blankets she’d amassed and gave her best fake sniffle, staring at the TV blankly while she listened to Alex come in. First the click of the front door’s lock, then the muted jangle of keys dropping onto the counter, then the soft zip as Alex removed her boots and padded closer in just her socks. She didn’t look up until Alex’s hand slid across her cheek and she did her best impression of being startled.

“Alex,” she breathed. Soft lips pressed against her forehead, and Kara blinked up at the older woman slowly as she laid the back of her hand against her forehead. Her eyebrows knitted with concern when she felt just how hot Kara was.

“You’re burning up,” she whispered, clicking her tongue disapprovingly. She dropped slowly onto the floor, leaning against the couch and looking up at Kara, one hand stroking down her neck. “You should have called me if you were sick. I would have taken care of you.”

Kara shrugged, leaning into the tender touches and watching Alex sadly. “You’re busy. I’m okay. Just been laying here.” It killed her to lie so blatantly, but Alex had given her permission. She was just doing what her girlfriend had asked.

Alex didn’t look any less worried. In fact, she looked a little perturbed. “You know you’re the most important person in the whole world to me, Kara. I would have dropped what I was doing if you’d just told me.”

Kara nearly crumbled into tears again right then and there, and she felt hope blossom in her chest. Maybe Alex-94 was right and somehow Kara’s Alex had retained her memories of their relationship. Maybe J’onn had taken pity on her and found some sort of way to carve out that path for Alex and just Kara, orphaned human, too. She sucked on her bottom lip and shrugged a shoulder, trying her best to look apologetic.

“I’m gonna cancel my date tonight. Then I can stay here as long as you need me.”

Just like that, Kara swore she could hear her hope shattering like a window breaking. She looked up at the ceiling, blinking back tears. Alex had a date. Barely six hours after splitting Kara into two people in her memory, she had a date. This was the most anticlimactic breakup she’d ever experienced; she supposed that would happen when one half of the relationship didn’t remember being in it.

“You have a date?” She could barely croak out the words. If she hadn’t seemed legitimately sick before, that should be convincing enough.

“Becca,” Alex confirmed, her fingers trailing down Kara’s arm, pulling idly at the sleeve of her sweater. “We matched on that dating app Nia set up for me. She seems nice. Pretty. It’s just drinks. I’ll reschedule. It was last minute anyway.”

“No.” Kara looked at her girlfriend — her _ sister _ and forced on a smile. She was going to have to get used to plastering on a smile when she wanted to put her fist through a wall. She figured she might as well practice now.

“No?” Alex looked confused. “Kara, it’s really not a big deal. Let me te—”

“No,” Kara interjected firmly. She cleared her throat when she saw the surprised look on Alex’s face. When she spoke again, she’d put in more of that rougher quality again. “You should go on your date. I can take care of myself.”

“Kara…” Alex sighed, looking guilty and exasperated. “Fine. I’ll go, but I’ll come over after, okay? And we—”

“No,” Kara interrupted again. “Just go, Alex. I’m a big girl. I’m sick and I want to be alone. Can you please stop babying me?”

“Oh.” Alex’s voice was quiet, and she pulled her hand away.

Kara had to turn away to keep herself from apologizing when she saw the wounded look on her sister’s face. She knew she was being petty, probably even mean, but she didn’t know how else to handle this. It was taking everything she had to keep herself from breaking down when her chest felt like it could explode from pain. She swallowed hard, trying to keep herself together.

“I guess I’ll go then.” Alex gripped the couch to push up onto her feet. She looked down at Kara for a few moments — Kara could _ feel _ the intensity of eyes on her, studying her — and leaned down close to kiss Kara’s temple. “I love you so much. Call me if you need me, okay? Please.”

All Kara could do was nod. Her eyes never left the screen as Phoebe tried to teach Joey to speak French. A minute later, after listening to Alex tug on her boots again and snatch her keys off the counter, the front door clicked shut and locked. 

Kara hugged the nearest pillow to her chest, buried her face in the top, and cried.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! I know it's been AGES, and I was pretty insistent that this wouldn't get any further chapters, but here we are. My plan is to carry this through the back half of Season 4 with alterations to fit this verse and maybe a bit of a different ending. The other characters will be included — and some portions may be straight out of the show — but it will still mainly focus on Alex and Kara's relationship and how they're dealing during the mindwipe.
> 
> I can't promise regular updates or give a definite amount of chapters to expect quite yet. This is a labor of love, and the inspiration strikes sporadically. But since I finally started working on Chapter 3 last night, I figured now was the time to post Chapter 2. I hope you guys like it and let me know what you think!!

** _Sunday, January 20th, 2019_ **

Alex stood quietly just outside the loft door after Kara sent her away. She pressed her hand against the wood, forcing herself to take deep breaths, to get herself together and leave. She shouldn’t be lingering in the hallway like some kind of creep. If she’d seen any man doing this outside of her sister’s apartment, she’d have scared him away in a heartbeat.

Her phone vibrated in her pocket, and Alex pulled it out, staring at the name on the screen.

Becca. The woman she was supposed to be meeting for drinks in an hour.

Her mood was inarguably soured. Seeing the way Kara had reacted when she’d mentioned her date had killed her already tenuous enthusiasm. It had been months since she had been out with anyone. She wasn’t expecting a party, but she hadn’t been expecting Kara to look like she’d been slapped either.

Then, Kara had just sent her away. She had made it damn clear she wanted Alex to go, despite Alex being genuinely willing to cancel her date to stay with her sister, and that she could take care of herself. She didn’t understand why Kara had reacted so harshly. Her sister had never once been less than her first priority. That hadn’t changed.

Alex decided it was probably best if she cut her losses now. She felt bad, but she just didn’t feel like going out anymore. She wasn’t in a good headspace for it, and she didn’t want to be a mood killer.

She leaned against the wall as she typed out a quick excuse and an apology and sent it off. Becca had been sweet in the few brief hours they had spent chatting and accepted her apology gracefully. Alex figured she wouldn’t hear from her again but left her in her contacts. Just in case.

Finally, with a tired sigh, she made her way down the hallway to the elevator. She smiled politely when she found Mrs. Stein and her obnoxious Dachshund waiting before she plucked her phone out of her pocket. Her thumb hovered over Kara’s name uncertainly before she pushed out a breath and put it away.

There was nothing she could say now. Maybe tomorrow.

**X**

** _Monday, January 21st, 2019_ **

> **[10:37 AM] Kara Danvers:** How was your date?

The happiness Alex felt when Kara’s name popped up on her phone was promptly crushed by the message’s text. Regret tightened her throat, and her brain seemed to stutter to a stop as she considered what to say. She didn’t think telling Kara she had cancelled would be a good idea; knowing Kara, she would just spiral into a pit of self-blame.

She leaned back in her ergonomic office chair, sucking on her bottom lip. Her thumbs hovered over the keyboard for a long few moments before she tapped out a response.

> **[10:39 AM] Alex Danvers:** Not great. We didn’t click. I’m not seeing her again.
> 
> **[10:40 AM] Alex Danvers:** Are you feeling better?

There, that worked. It was a lie, but it was better than Kara endlessly apologizing for a choice Alex had made. Maybe now she could forget the pain she’d seen in Kara’s eyes at the mere mention that she was going on a date.

Her phone chimed again.

> **[10:42 AM] Kara Danvers:** I’m okay. I’m at work. You worry too much.

Alex smiled to herself. She couldn’t count the number of times Kara had told her that over the years. Kara was the one person in this world Alex loved unconditionally. Of course she worried; that would never change.

> **[10:43 AM] Alex Danvers:** I love you.

The response was almost instantaneous.

> **[10:43 AM] Kara Danvers:** I love YOU, Alex.
> 
> **[10:44 AM] Kara Danvers:** I’m sorry I was such a jerk last night. You didn’t deserve that.
> 
> **[10:44 AM] Alex Danvers:** Forget it. Are you busy tonight?

Alex didn’t really know what she had in mind. She would think of something when Kara said yes. All she knew right now was that she needed to make this right. She never could stand it when Kara was angry with her. She had to make it right.

A knock came at her office door, and Alex sighed when Agent Ramirez poked her head in and gave her an apologetic look. She knew what that meant; her turn had come. With an annoyed sigh, she glanced at her phone to be sure Kara hadn’t already responded before tucking it into her desk drawer.

“Let’s get this over with,” she said, rising to meet Ramirez at the door.

Time to face the Truth Seeker.

**X**

Haley was disappointed when Alex passed the Truth Seeker’s test. Alex could see it in her eyes. She’d been certain she was going to catch Alex in a lie, but that wasn’t possible. Alex had no idea who Supergirl was; it had never been important. She had been the D.E.O.’s best asset. That was all that had mattered.

Now, at least, Haley had no choice but to believe that was true. Supergirl wasn’t their concern anymore. She had been officially dismissed. Alex still had a lot of conflicted feelings about that, but it wasn’t her priority. Her _ sister _ was her priority.

The same sister who had rejected her — politely but concisely. After scrubbing her skin until it was raw, attempting to shake off the slimy feeling left by the Truth Seeker’s tentacles, she’d returned to her office to find two messages from Kara waiting for her.

> **[10:56 AM] Kara Danvers:** I’m sorry, honey. I have a big story I’m working on wrapping up. I just don’t think I’ll have time to hang out.
> 
> **[11:01 AM] Kara Danvers:** But we’re still on for Game Night on Wednesday, right? Everyone will be there and I need my better half to kick their butts!

It was a brush-off. A very nice brush-off with a little bit of sucking up thrown in at the end there, probably to soothe Alex’s ego. But Alex knew when her sister was trying to dismiss her, and she felt very thoroughly dismissed.

Maybe she should be out looking for a date with all the time she had on her hands. Kara didn’t seem too keen to take it all up anymore.

She had to take this gracefully, though, no matter how much it stung. If Kara wanted time to herself, she should have time for herself. If she had to work to do, she had work to do. Alex couldn’t change that.

Her thumbs hovered over the keyboard again as she considered how to respond.

> **[11:21 AM] Alex Danvers:** I’ll be there. Good luck with your story.

Well, that would have to do.

**X**

** _Tuesday, January 22nd, 2019_ **

Colonel Haley spent Tuesday morning conducting the rest of the Truth Seeker interviews. No one was surprised when she came up with nothing. Alex knew her people. Not a soul here knew Supergirl’s identity; Supergirl had kept that secret close to her chest.

A very petty part of Alex wanted to gloat when Haley informed her that she’d concluded her investigation and found nothing. But, despite her diminished role, Alex was still the Director of the Department of Extra-Normal Operations. She had trained as J’onn’s right-hand, and he had always exuded a quiet, professional dignity. Alex did her best to follow in his footsteps. 

So, she mustered up as much false sincerity and sympathy as she could. Haley didn’t look convinced, but Alex couldn’t bring herself to care. She was just relieved the D.E.O. was free of Haley’s pointless little witch hunt. They had enough to worry about with the constant conflict between aliens and the Children of Liberty pouring out onto the streets.

Another wonderful day in National City.

Later that evening, Alex was fresh from a post-workout shower in her private bathroom, clad only in a dark sports bra and black spandex shorts, when a knock sounded on her office door. She ruffled her wet hair with her towel one more time and draped it around her neck as she approached, briefly lowering the privacy shield on the door to identify the culprit. She smiled, happily surprised to see Kara, and typed in the code to unlock and open the door.

“Hey, I wasn’t expecting you. Come on in.” She re-engaged her privacy protocols and stepped aside to let Kara and her arms full of take-out into her office. Kara didn’t move, but her mouth dropped open slightly and her blue eyes darkened.

Alex raised her eyebrows, studying her sister with concern. “Kara? Are you okay?”

Kara licked her lips. “What? Yeah! Oh yeah. It’s just— You’re not— I— Um—” She cleared her throat, her face flushed. “Sorry, I’m just… Long day. Head’s a little— Woo!” She smiled awkwardly, meeting Alex’s eyes briefly, before bustling in past her.

Alex frowned after her but decided not to question it any further. She loved Kara more than anything, but she could be weird sometimes.

She inhaled deeply and hummed her approval of the delicious scents, practically salivating. “God, that smells amazing. Mexican?”

“Cielito Lindo,” Kara replied with a tired smile, setting the bags down on the coffee table beside Alex’s office couch. She sat down and started prying the foam cups out of the cupholder. “I hope that’s okay?”

“Perfect. Let me just get dressed.”

“No!” Kara yelped, the word almost frantic in its urgency.

Alex stared at her, a sudden heat pooling in the pit of her belly. The look in Kara’s eyes… Alex had seen it a few times before when they spent time together. It usually came and went so quickly, though, that she’d dismissed it, told herself it was wishful thinking.

“No?” Alex echoed quietly. “What do you—”

“I _ mean_, d-don’t worry about it,” Kara rushed to clarify, stammering as she nimbly unwrapped a burrito. “It’s not like, you know, I’ve n-never seen…” Her eyes swept up and down Alex’s body as she stuffed the burrito into her mouth, stifling whatever she planned to say next with a big mouthful.

Alex studied her for several long seconds before she pulled her towel off her shoulders. “I’ll be right back,” she announced, padding off. She needed a moment to clear her racing mind and, in spite of Kara’s protests, put on some real clothes.

She slipped into her casual D.E.O. blues, then took her time pulling a comb through her short hair while she collected herself. No matter how it might seem, Kara wasn’t trying to express interest in her. She had been awkward when they were young, and she still had moments of weirdness every now and then. She’d said herself she was tired. Alex was just misreading her.

Okay. That was fine. Alex could handle this. Kara was here and apparently not avoiding her anymore. She should focus on that.

Kara was eating what looked to be a different burrito when Alex made it back into her office. She also had her phone in her hand, her brow furrowed as she read whatever was on the screen. All Alex could make out in the reflection of her glasses was a white screen with text across it.

“Everything okay?” She sat down beside Kara and reached into the bag to dig out a quesadilla. She hadn’t realized how hungry she was until she’d gotten a whiff of these delicious things.

“Hm, yeah,” Kara murmured. “I finished my article up early and my editor already got some corrections back to me.” She clicked her phone off and tucked it into her blazer pocket. “I’ll deal with it when I get home.”

“Kara, if you need to go back to work, you should go,” Alex encouraged her. “Not that I don’t appreciate the food and your company, obviously, but I didn’t expect to see you tonight anyway.”

“I know, but I wanted to see you,” Kara said, lifting her soda to her lips for a quick drink. “I missed you.”

Alex was a little taken aback by the depth of the sadness in Kara’s eyes. She looked as if she’d been missing Alex for a thousand years, not just a couple of days.

“I’m right here,” she said quietly, reaching out to give Kara’s knee a squeeze. “Don’t look so sad.”

“I’ll do my best,” Kara replied mildly, pushing her glasses up her nose. “Tell me about your day. Has everything…settled down?” Her eyes flickered nervously to the camera in the corner of Alex’s office.

“They’re inactive right now,” Alex assured her. “But yeah, no dice. No one here has what she wanted. She was pretty disappointed. She really thought she’d get someone to confess.”

“Do you think she’s gonna take it out on you?”

Alex pondered that for a minute before shrugging. “She’s never really struck me as vindictive, so I would be surprised. Hopefully, she’ll just let it go and we can all move on. The vigilante isn’t our problem anymore.”

“The vigilante?” Kara repeated. Disbelief colored her tone and something dark flickered through her eyes again. A different darkness than Alex had seen when she’d frozen in the doorway.

“You know what I mean.” Alex quirked a brow at her sister curiously, thrown by how she was reacting. “I know you’re friendly with her. It wasn’t a criticism, but without the D.E.O. backing her…that’s what she is now.”

“Right.” Kara nodded, an odd smile curling her lips. “Have you, uh— Have you talked to her since she left?”

“I can’t. Any further contact has been prohibited.” Alex shrugged, taking another bite of her quesadilla.

“That must be weird,” Kara commented. “Going from seeing her pretty much every day to not at all?”

“It’s really not a big deal,” Alex said. “It’s not like we were best friends. She was…useful, but we do just fine on our own. We were literally built for this purpose.”

“Yeah,” Kara agreed flatly. “You guys are great.” She chomped into her burrito again, rather aggressively. Alex watched in bewilderment.

“Kara, what’s up with you? Are you still mad at me?”

Kara’s blue eyes widened almost comically and she swallowed down what was in her mouth. “No, why would I be?” she asked. 

Alex studied her quietly. She made it feel like Alex had asked some totally off-the-wall question, but Alex thought she was being pretty reasonable. Kara’s mood had been all over the place since she’d gotten here. Alex couldn’t parse out what the crux of the problem was, but she was _ certain _ there was a problem.

“You just seem…” Alex hesitated, trying to find the right word. “Off,” she settled on. “Not like yourself.”

Kara turned away and went silent. She had another bite of her burrito and a drink before she turned to look at Alex. She looked more exhausted than Alex could ever recall seeing her.

“I don’t feel much like myself,” she admitted. “The past few days have been…really hard. I guess I haven’t gotten through it yet.”

Alex cleaned off her hands with a napkin then held her arms out, waving Kara closer. Her sister didn’t hesitate to move closer and let herself be engulfed in Alex’s arms, resting their heads together. They breathed out twin sighs of happiness; this was long overdue and very needed.

“You wanna tell me what’s going on?”

She felt Kara’s hesitation in the way she stilled. She frowned, leaning back to try to get a look at her sister. There had been secrets in their relationship over the years, but the past few years had brought most everything out into the open. They didn’t hide from each other anymore.

“Kara?” she prompted quietly. “You know you can tell me anything.”

Kara’s answering smile was small and sad. “Not this. I’m sorry.”

Alex didn’t know what to say. Kara so rarely straight out denied her. She searched Kara’s eyes, hoping to find some glimpse of what she was missing. Maybe she would magically glean whatever it was Kara was holding back if she just looked hard enough.

Her concentration broke when Kara lifted a hand to stroke her cheek, a thumb skimming the corner of her lips. “I swear I’m not mad at you.”

It still rang false. The determination in her voice made it sound like Kara was trying to convince herself that was true. Whatever this was ran deeper than Alex understood.

Kara pressed a lingering kiss to Alex’s forehead. “I think I am going to head home. I need to get these edits done and get some sleep.”

Alex nodded. “Okay.”

Kara’s hand skimmed beneath her chin, blue eyes peering at her imploringly. “See you tomorrow night?”

Alex nodded again. “Game Night. I’ll be there.”

“You better be. I need my partner. I will track you down if you stand me up,” she joked, gathering up her used wrappers.

“I consider myself forewarned,” Alex snarked back. The light-hearted banter eased the ache of uncertainty in her chest, but she still didn’t like not knowing things. It felt _ wrong_, like Kara didn’t trust her.

“Promise me we’re okay,” she found herself saying, reaching for Kara as she stood up. She looked up at her sister with pleading eyes.

“Everything is going to be okay,” Kara said, giving Alex’s hand a squeeze. “I promise.”

**X**

** _Wednesday, January 23rd, 2019_ **

Game Night arrived, and Alex was on a high all night. The worries that had cropped up over the past few days faded to nothing. Kara seemed completely back to her normal self; they were absolutely _ demolishing _ every game they played together. At one point during Pictionary, Kara even pulled Alex into her lap. Alex would have happily stayed like that all night if she could have.

Their closeness and their winning streak had only amped up Alex’s excellent mood, initially ignited that morning by the news that Colonel Haley had been summoned back to the capitol. She would be back at some point, of course, but she was gone for some undisclosed reason for some undisclosed length of time. Alex was going to enjoy the lack of critical oversight for as long as she could.

Eventually, James had called for a moratorium on the team games. Instead, he had picked up the pack of Exploding Kittens cards, a decidedly single-player game. Alex didn’t mind. She smirked to herself and leaned against Kara’s side, her glee growing each time another player was knocked out.

She won five rounds, and her best competition was Kara in the last. Her sister whined and pouted playfully over her loss, but it was Brainy who was the sorest loser.

“I do not understand this game,” he grumbled. “These are not kittens, nor do they explode!”

“Aww!” Alex cooed at him sarcastically, giving him her best faux-sympathetic smile. She did feel for him to an extent; he couldn’t help but take everything far too literally. Of course this game would be beyond him.

“Well, I love that you guys do this,“ Nia chimed in. “Game Night was a staple in my family.”

“Where did you grow up, Nia?” Alex asked curiously, lifting her drink to her lips. Nia was still new to the group, so Alex didn’t really know all that much about her.

“A small town up north called Parthas.”

“Doesn’t that mean ‘paradise’ in Irish?” Lena asked. “That’s a pretty high bar.”

“Paradise is an understatement,” Nia assured her with a smile. “The town isn’t just beautiful, but aliens and humans have lived together in harmony for decades. I’m actually going back this weekend for Harvest Fest.”

Alex started to gather up the cards to put the deck away. She had to admit that Parthas sounded impressive. She wished the people of National City could live such an idyllic existence. But then, if they could, she would be out of a job she loved.

Reaching out, Alex grabbed the big ceramic bowl that had been sitting in the center of the coffee table all night. She held it up to Kara with a triumphant smirk.

“Time for the Bowl Game!” Alex announced, grinning when her sister whooped and pumped her fist beside her.

“No! No!” Brainy protested fiercely, looking stricken. He jabbed an admonishing finger at them. “You two cannot be on the same team again!”

“I agree,” James backed him up. “Inside jokes, shorthand from Midvale. It’s an unfair advantage.”

“So?” Kara scoffed, and Alex grinned, picking up a Cheeto to munch.

“Hey, but, you know, maybe we have an unfair advantage, too,” Lena suggested, tapping his shoulder and raising her eyebrows.

Beside Alex, Kara laughed and Alex squinted at the pair on the couch in disbelief. Even James didn’t look entirely convinced, but he went with it.

“You could be right,” he chuckled. “Greatest human invention?”

They answered simultaneously.

“Electric light,” said Lena.

“Printing press,” said James.

“Oh, fail,” Alex teased them. It was an expected fail, though. The two of them were just so mismatched. Their answers made perfect sense for who they were, but they just didn’t seem to click the way most couples did.

“Okay, our turn,” Kara said, reaching into the bowl to pull out a scrap of paper. Alex picked up her drink again. “Oh, easy! My favorite movie?”

Alex searched her memory. She knew it, but it just wasn’t coming to the forefront of her mind as quickly as usual. She bowed her head, slapping the table a couple of times as she thought, until it finally came to her.

“_Center Stage_,” she declared confidently.

Kara looked totally flabbergasted. “Excuse me?” she demanded, incredulous.

“What? You spent an entire summer learning the red shoe dance.” Alex remembered that summer very vividly. She had never had such continuous headaches in her life.

Kara shook her head and looked over at J’onn. There was something odd about the way he met her eyes, like they were in on some big secret together.

Hell, maybe they were.

“You broke three lamps,” Alex persisted, but it was clear by Kara’s stunned silence that she was wrong. “No? Okay, um…”

Hard as she tried, Alex really couldn’t think of anything else. They had watched a million movies together, and at least three-fourths of them met with her sister’s approval. But Kara was waiting, so Alex threw up her hands and said the first thing that came to mind.

“_Terminator 2_?” Something about that clicked properly.

Kara frowned at her. “No, that’s _ your _ favorite. Come on, Alex! Think!”

Alex stared at her discerningly for a moment. “I’m totally blanking,” she admitted. Kara’s face fell, just slightly, and Alex’s chest felt tighter. “Uh…”

When her phone chimed on the coffee table, Alex had never been more thankful for it in her life. Something about the way Kara was looking at her made her self-conscious. These little things had always been important to Kara. They were important to Alex, too. She liked that she knew Kara that well, and it bothered her that she still couldn’t remember the right answer. Especially when Kara was so clearly hurt by her odd bout of forgetfulness.

For now, Alex had to shake it off. She read the message on her screen and lifted her eyes to Brainy. “Duty calls,” she told him, disappointment mingling with relief. “Well, at least Haley’s out of town.”

She made her apologies as she rose to follow Brainy to the door, but footsteps followed behind her. “Alex, wait.” Kara’s hand on her shoulder just as she’d passed the couch had her turning around.

“Hey, it’s gonna be okay,” she assured Kara, meeting concerned blue eyes. “It’s nothing too end-of-the-world-y. Just an alien brawl at NCU.”

Kara nodded, but none of her concern disappeared. “Just…come back? Stay the night over here. Please?”

Alex reached out to rub Kara’s shoulder. “Yeah, if you want. Might be a bit, though, okay? You don’t have to wait up.”

“I want to.”

Alex didn’t argue. “Then I’ll see you later.” She gave Kara a quick squeeze before joining Brainy at the front door.

**X**

The NCU brawl was more of a challenge than Alex had expected. Supergirl’s unexpected assist had been a help, but Alex knew she couldn’t get used to it. The hero hadn’t been declared an enemy, but she had definitely made her way onto the D.E.O.’s _ persona non grata _ list.

Alex had to set boundaries. For Supergirl’s sake as much as her own. The farther away Supergirl stayed from the D.E.O., the better off she would be. Haley was still on a kick, and Alex didn’t want to see Supergirl hurt or manipulated.

Supergirl’s effortless strength was put to good use incapacitating the perpetrators of the brawl. Alex’s agents were quick to step in, cuff the stunned monsters, and march them off toward the prisoner transport van. Alex stayed back to deal with Supergirl.

“Thank you for your assistance, Supergirl,” she said politely, nodding at the superhero. “We’ll take it from here.”

“Happy to help, Alex,” Supergirl replied with a smile.

“One more thing. I would really appreciate it if you would address me as Director Danvers,” Alex asserted calmly.

The smile froze on Supergirl’s face and surprise lit up her eyes. But Alex didn’t linger to see what came next. She had done what needed to be done.

**X**

It was past eleven when Alex made it back to Kara’s loft. The aggressive aliens they had apprehended were being held for questioning in the morning. She had gotten her first drafts of the proper paperwork written up and would finalize tomorrow, after collecting her agents’ reports.

She was looking forward to spending the night with Kara. The loft felt more like home than her apartment most days and was infinitely less lonely. There were times being alone suited Alex, but tonight she was craving some company. Who could be better than her favorite person?

Alex expected the loft to be quiet at this time of night. When she stepped inside, the living room was empty, but a coat she recognized as J’onn’s was still hanging on the hook. While it wasn’t unusual for Space Dad to come over early and leave late, this was especially late for him.

That was when she heard voices coming from the bedroom.

Alex peeled off her coat and her boots, sure to stay as quiet as she could to keep from attracting attention. She knew she shouldn’t eavesdrop, but there was something Kara and J’onn were keeping from her. She felt it. She wanted to know what was going on.

“I want her back, J’onn,” Kara was saying, sounding frustrated. “The problem is solved, so I want her back now.”

“Kara, it isn’t that simple.” J’onn sounded just as patient as always, his deep voice steady as he spoke. “There is a reason this process takes such care and precision. It isn’t something that can simply be reversed. It’s a permanent change.”

“Then you should have found another way,” Kara snapped. Her tone was downright chilly; Alex couldn’t remember ever hearing Kara speak that way to _ anyone_. “And you had better find some way to _ fix this_—”

“Kara,” J’onn interjected firmly.

Their voices fell silent. After a moment, two sets of footsteps headed her way. She hurried into the kitchen, leaning into the refrigerator to make it seem she’d been busy.

“Alex, when did you get home?”

Alex emerged with a bottle of water and faced Kara, leaning back against the counter. “Just a minute ago.” She shifted her gaze to J’onn. “I didn’t know you were still here, J’onn. Is everything okay?”

“I thought I might be able to use him for a new story, but it didn’t work out,” Kara said. She patted J’onn’s shoulder. “Thanks, J’onn. See you later?”

J’onn looked amused, shaking his head. “I’ll see you two soon. Have a good night.” He smiled at Alex, then grabbed his coat and made his exit.

Kara turned to Alex again, her arms folded across her chest. “Did you get the brawl settled?”

“Yep.” Alex twisted open her water bottle. “All taken care of.” She brought the bottle to her lips for a drink. “Everything went okay here?”

Kara shrugged. “Lena and James didn’t stay much longer. Nia stayed for a couple episodes of _ Parks & Rec_. It was fine.”

“Not as exciting without me, huh?” Alex teased.

Kara grinned. “Never,” she murmured. She moved in close, laying a hand on each side of the counter around Alex, pinning her in place. Alex’s breath hitched then released; she should have felt boxed in, but her body was completely relaxed. A comfortable warmth blossomed where their stomachs pressed together and spread throughout her.

“Ready for bed?” Kara asked softly. “I pulled some pajamas out for you.”

Alex hummed, her eyes fluttering closed as Kara’s forehead pressed against her own. Like this, it would be so easy to take what she’d always wanted. All she needed to do was tilt her chin a bit and she could finally be kissing Kara. Her fingers itched with the desire to grab Kara’s collar and pull her forward.

Kara’s arms looped around Alex’s waist. One hand rose to spread across the small of her back, and she was jerked into a nearly-crushing hug. Alex’s water bottle fell from her loose fingers with a splash as she lifted her arms to wrap around Kara’s neck. Her entire body shuddered in her sister’s grasp.

“I hate your job,” Kara murmured, her breath hot against Alex’s neck. Her lips pressed lightly just beneath Alex’s pulse point. “I hate that I could lose you at any second.”

“Nuh uh.” Alex let out a breathy sigh, her fingertips digging into the back of Kara’s neck. “Not going anywhere, not that easily. I’m super tough.”

“You are. My super tough super agent,” Kara chuckled. Her nose nudged behind Alex’s ear lobe. “My strong, brave girl. You’re so good.”

_ “My strong, brave girl.” Alex clutched her pillow to her face, trembling. She could feel Kara’s breath against her cheek as she husked the words into her ear. Her hands were hot against Alex’s sides, burning into her skin. “You’re so good. So beautiful. I love you so much, baby.” _

Alex inhaled sharply, stumbling backwards and knocking into the counter. She clutched her head in both hands. She felt like something sharp had been inserted into her forehead, shoved hard into her brain and twisted. She didn’t know what the hell was going on.

Was she having a mental breakdown? A psychic vision? Whatever it was had felt as vivid as a memory, but Alex had no clue where it had come from. A dream, perhaps? A fantasy?

It definitely wasn’t real. It couldn’t be. No way. She would remember.

“Sweetheart?” When Alex managed to peel her eyes open, Kara was holding her shoulders, peering into her eyes anxiously. “Are you okay? What happened?”

“M-My head,” Alex rasped. She squeezed her eyes shut again, hoping to ease the pressure.

“Alright, time for bed,” Kara stated firmly. She wrapped her arm around Alex’s back and guided her into the bedroom, sitting her on the edge of the bed.

Alex kept taking slow, deep breaths while Kara sat beside her, rubbing her back, making soothing shushing noises. Finally, mercifully, the pain faded away. Alex smiled at her sister shakily.

“What happened?” Kara questioned at once. “Did you hurt your head in the field? Is it… Could it be a White Martian?”

“No. No. I, um, I don’t really know,” Alex muttered. “Think I just need to sleep.”

“Whatever you need.” Kara got up to retrieve her pajamas, setting them in Alex’s lap. “Try to get comfortable. I’m going to make you some chamomile tea.”

Alex nodded, rubbing her forehead with the heel of her palm as Kara walked off. She was still a little shaken as she pulled on the tank top and basketball shorts Kara had gotten out for her; curling up under the blankets helped her settle down. Her eyes were closed when Kara returned, but her mind was still racing, trying to comprehend what she’d just experienced.

“Here, honey, this should help.” Kara pressed a coffee mug full of tea into Alex’s hands. She slipped into bed herself, sweeping stray hair off Alex’s forehead with delicate fingers.

“Thank you,” Alex murmured, lifting the mug to take a long drink. She let her eyes flutter closed again, humming contentedly when Kara curled around her. She wrapped her right arm around her sister’s neck, pressing a kiss to her temple.

The silence that settled between them was comfortable and familiar. They had spent hundreds of cumulative hours together like this. Reading or studying or watching something together without exchanging a word. There was no pressure to make conversation. They knew each other so well. They didn’t need to talk.

But Alex wasn’t surprised when, after she’d set her mug aside, Kara was studying her with that crinkle furrowing her brows. This wasn’t just another quiet Sister Night.

“So what was that really?” Kara asked. “You were fine one minute…”

Alex scratched her cheek self-consciously. How was she supposed to tell her baby sister that something totally innocent she’d said has triggered some sort of weird sexual fantasy? If that was even what that had been. Maybe it was an implanted thought specifically designed to cause pain. If there was one thing her line of work had taught her over the years, it was that very little was truly impossible.

She decided her best course of action was to share the facts without giving too much detail.

“This…thing came into my mind,” she said carefully. “Kind of like a memory, but I know that it never happened. It couldn’t have. Then, my head was just searing. It felt like I’d been stabbed.”

“But it was so sudden,” Kara mused. “Your head hadn’t been hurting beforehand?”

“Nope. You saw it.” Alex rubbed Kara’s shoulder with her thumb. “You were talking to me, then it hit.”

Kara looked thoughtful, examining Alex with a weird look in her eyes.

“What was the…not-a-memory?”

Alex swallowed. “You were… You told me I was your ‘strong, brave girl’, but just… The context was different,” she admitted, uncomfortable and flushed.

Something like realization dawned on Kara’s face and her eyes widened. Alex ducked her head to keep from seeing the inevitable disgust that would follow. Kara’s warmth shifted away from her. Humiliation spread like ice through Alex’s chest. Of course she wanted to get away. Alex wasn’t supposed to be thinking or feeling these things. Not for her sister. Kara _ should _ shut her out.

A hand cupped her chin, raising her head until she was looking into blue eyes. “Don’t start thinking what I know you’re thinking, Alex Danvers. We’re okay.”

“Yeah?” Alex asked in a small voice, but already all the negativity she was feeling was receding.

“Of course.” Kara smiled, but it was quiet and withdrawn again, like when she’d come to see Alex at work. Why was it back? They were supposed to be getting back to normal. Kara had _ just _ said they were okay.

“I’m exhausted, though,” Kara said a moment later. “I think I need to crash.” She turned her back to Alex, craning to click off the lamp on the bedside table nearest her.

Alex sighed, reaching out to turn off her own lamp. She shimmied under the blanket, tucking one arm behind her head and staring up at the ceiling, her mind a mess of disjointed thoughts.

She had just about given up on Kara re-joining her when the bed shifted. A soft pair of lips kissed her cheek, and Alex smiled, her heart fluttering.

“Sweet dreams, Alex.”

“Sweet dreams, Kara.”


End file.
